Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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