Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
