whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
