I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
