I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize