drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
