why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
