she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
