i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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