Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
