I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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