One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
