ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
His nipple licking is glorious
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