he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
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