just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
