She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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