I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
