so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
