I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
