they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
This couple is walking their pig around campus
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
