Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
