I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
