He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
