is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
