jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
True strength comes from lack of pants
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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