Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
