with your own penis?
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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