Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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