Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I'm having to shit out rocks
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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