Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
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