he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
