So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
