my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
