I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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