I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
