Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
