census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
