Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
