I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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