So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
