Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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