I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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