i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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