Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
