On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
