he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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