I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
