I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize