omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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