pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
