She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
