a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
