my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
