Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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