I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I just gargled with NyQuil
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Text me some of your sweat
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
