Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
