my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
