i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
