Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
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You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
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Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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