He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
