you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
